Achievements

I remember last year when I answered a question that was along similar lines: describe yourself in a few words. I vividly recall rattling off a list of accolades as though that was all that defined me, as though it was the praise of others that characterized me, and I suppose it has, for a large part of my life. I was motivated to seek the approval of others over my own pleasures and interests. However, since then, I’ve grown; I’ve realized that I am more than a piece of paper, a disk of metal: I love cooking; I adore languages; I’m horrible at computers; I’m intrigued by international affairs. More than anything, I am Harshva, and the newfound desire to understand what I am is what drives me forward—the fulfillment of self-discovery.

And what shook this long ingrained belief I held? Well, failure. For so long, as far as my memory takes me back, I measured my self-worth based on the awards I won regularly, but then came a time when a medal didn’t come easily. Thus, neither did my definition of success. I fell short of my own expectations; what I won didn’t feel enough. What I didn’t achieve loomed over me. Without external validation, I had to ask myself what truly characterized me, what I was beyond the praise of others.

In the beginning, the uncertainty was unsettling: I didn't know what to work towards. Yet slowly, I began to see beyond the applause. I found happiness in the trivial act of cooking a meal, just for the joy of creating. I was amazed by the beauty of languages and even learnt a few, not as achievements, but as a key to unopened doors. I saw the intrigue of global affairs and pursued it, not because it made me look impressive to do so, but because it made me think. And even with computers—one of my greatest struggles—I understood that it's natural to not be perfect, for the desire and effort to grow is better than seamless triumphs. As I look forward, I want to progress in this journey of self-realization, to continue in it. I understand very well now that my future, regardless of my ambitions, is, to a degree, always uncertain (I guess that is the only aspect one can be sure about regarding the future?). But now, for the first time, I find myself embracing this uncertainty; I am excited by it. I don’t seek approval now; I look for understanding. And the pursuit of that is far greater than any success I have sought before.